Sunday, July 30, 2006

At Mom's House and other thoughts

I've been at my mother's house since Thursday, which was her 84th birthday. The Tuesday before, she went to the doctor and he told her she's going strong. Of course, she didn't mention that she's been down in the dumps. She just told him she's been so tired lately and he didn't pursue what could have been the cause.

Mom has lost a lot of people in her life in the last 8 years, starting with my father, from an accident with gasoline. Next was my father's 2 brothers, Uncle Leo and Uncle Dick. Earlier this year, her older brother--who she was quite close to, Uncle Dale passed away suddenly. Well, not unexpectedly, as he had had 2 heart operations and the last one was past the date of life expectancy. But it was sudden, since he was at the hospital cafeteria after Aunt Norine had finished her checkup and he just dropped his head back and was gone. Uncle Fred died earlier this month, and that brought back all of the sorrow and grieving which was never finished from the other deaths. The reason I'm writing this is because the litany of all the people in her life who have passed away is what we talk about when we are alone.

Grief can affect us each differently. I grieve out loud, in front of anyone who happens to be there and with lots of tears. Others won't even cry in front of anyone. How they can hold it in, is beyond me. I feel like it just explodes out of me. My emotions are on the surface, others have theirs under control. In fact, I am learning not to control my emotions, but rather to lay my feelings at the feet of Jesus. Because, sometimes, I can be overly emotional and say and do things that I ought not to say and do. That is why the Lord has brought to my attention my manner of speaking, both in word and tone.

It seems to me that the more I pray for guidance and enlightenment so that I may walk more closesly with God, He reveals more of my shortcomings to me. Each day, there is more to work on, more to surrender, and I am more aware of how disobedient I have been, how selfish, how rude, how unkind. You have to be aware of your character flaws before you can work on them, so I praise the Lord for all He has revealed to me. Bring it on, Lord, mold me, shape me, prune me and make me the person I can be through your lovingkindness!

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