Saturday, January 07, 2006

Turmoil in and around you are evidence that you are still alive.

I’m starting to get back to normal. Normal for me is motivated, proactive and positive. I was having a freak-out (due to fear) because my husband was having tooth surgery on Friday and was going to be under anesthesia. This is what I learned about myself from this incident: I say out loud and in my heart that I trust the Lord. That Jesus rules in my life. In reality, as exposed by my feeling about the trip to the oral surgeon, I cannot let go of my fear. It exhibits itself in many ways. I become nervous, excitable (not in a good way), clinging, weepy and bitchy. I had this undercurrent of fear about what could happen to him while he was under anesthesia. He could die, since he has breathing problems and there’s always a risk, even for a healthy person. I don’t want him to die as an unbeliever. But do I set a good example by resting assured in the Lord? No, I worry and fret.

All my life, I’ve been a worrier. I can talk a good story about how worry cannot change anything. Cast my cares upon Jesus. I say that I trust in the Lord to take care of my life. But then comes the time to walk the walk--I stumble and fall down into the abyss of fear. Fear creeps in, truly, before I realize it and I start “acting out”. I argue with my spouse and then cry. I get angry and upset for no reason at all. I yell, I curse and then turn that anger inward and suffer depression. Everything looks black. There’s no reason to go on. Despair hits—I am hopeless. I finally pull my head out of the muck long enough to see my situation and pray for help. The Lord listens to my prayers and at that point, I throw my worries and cares upon Him.

Why do I have to go through all that before I let go? Is it stubbornness, habit or pride? Must I always struggle? Do I secretly enjoy the struggle? As Dr. Phil says, “You have to identify the payoffs and use them as motivators. For instance, how many people do you know who are stuck in a job they don't like or have simply outgrown? They want out but... What keeps them there? Simple. They are stuck in a comfort zone, and the payoff is that they don't have to worry about the risks of change. You have to create your own motivation, and it has to be strong enough to leave your comfort zone and make the changes you need.“
How are fear and worry my comfort zone? It’s what I know. It’s how I have always coped with life. I fall easily back into old coping mechanisms whenever I don’t use proactive behaviors and practice my faith. I get lazy just for one day and then it’s 2 days and then it’s a week. It’s just like exercising: If you don’t use it, you lose it. So as I finish this post, I am going to don my walking clothes and head out for the mailbox. As I walk, I will pray.
Lord, Your love casts out all fear; let me be willing to accept Your perfect love today.

1 comment:

Veronica said...

Your statement, "As I walk I will pray" spoke directly to me. It was just this morning that I mumbled aloud to myself, "I need to start prayer-walking again. (See The prayerwalking book by Janet Holm McHenry presents an awesome concept that is not only spiritually beneficial, but offers physical benefits as well. Thanks for your post. It was almost like a confirmation.