Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Today, I see that being unemployed since June has changed me. I never realized that so much of my identity was tied to what I do, not who I am. My self-discipline was tied to my job, so I haven't been using my time well. I have become lazy both in thought and deed. I have become fearful. For example, I needed a new handle for my La Z Boy chair, because the old one broke. I looked on their website and it directed me to find any store, take the broken handle in and I would be given a new one free of charge. When we arrived at the store, I began to experience the dreaded, “what ifs”. What if they won’t exchange it, what if they say I need my sales slip (which I no longer have), what do I do then? Of course when I went in, they said they’d be happy to replace it!

I am once again, fearful of going to an interview for a job. I admit that today, aware that I could have applied for a job that was close to where I am moving and had benefits too. Monday and Tuesday I chickened out on going in to that office by telling myself that the job must have already been taken. I say to myself, “They won’t like you because you are too old and overweight.” Any excuse to get out of putting myself out there. This fear on an intellectual level, seems so silly. They will either like me or they won’t. I have the qualifications and would be an asset to their company. I need to put on the armor of God and chase fear out of my life!

I need to discipline myself each day and consciously put on the whole armor of God as Paul says in Ephesians 6:10-18. “Finally, be strong in the Lord and his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of the dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when that day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm, then with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With all this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.”

I should look at the teddy bear that my dear Diana and Joseph gave me for Christmas. He is bedecked in the full armor. I think I will move him to my bedside table so that I can see him each morning when I wake up.

Lord, Jesus, give me the grace to accept your perfect love which casts out all fear and to put on the armor of God so that I may take hold of my life on earth as a good steward of the gifts you have given me.

1 comment:

Diana said...

The first part of your post might have been written by me! I have been unemployed since the beginning of December and I really see now how un-disciplined I am. It's harder when you don't have someone to tell you what to do for eight hours of your day. Now I have to tell MYSELF? When the only thing I've had to tell myself since I was fifteen is, "Hang in there, Diana, your lunch break is coming up in a few hours."

I feel ya, Auntee.