You are buried up to your neck in the sand and you don't know how you got like that and here comes the big wave.
Thanks to journalling in this blog and reading other Christian women's blogs, I have had major revelations from the Lord about the way I had gone the wrong direction. I had taken the reins of my life from Him and was busy burying myself up to my neck in my own selfishness. And here comes the big wave of self-pity and feeling of victimization.
How do I get away? Pull my arm out of the sand and reach for the Lord. Long before we moved from the coast of CA to the middle of the desert in AZ, I knew was that I was terribly unhappy. I was unfulfilled in my job and didn't really care to much for my spouse. He didn't like me much at this time either. I had become bossy, nagging, nasty-tempered and unpredictable. If he tried to say anything helpful to me, I got insulted, often bursting into tears. My mental state was in turmoil and I was not sleeping well. I was a mess. I would pray for others but not for myself. Something was wrong with me and even though it was apparent to everyone, I still denied it. I thought that I was the victim of circumstances--but I didn't recognize that I was the one who had set up those events. So, what better time to run away. We sold our house and moved to the desert west of Phoenix.
Once we moved in, the same scenario started all over again. Except, now, I was unable to find work. Here I was stuck at home, in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do. One day, I could not take the way my life was going any longer. I cried out to the Lord that I wanted to die--but really I just wanted O-U-T of the situation. What did I want? I didn't know. I went into the Lord's hands broken and humble(finally). I sincerely admitted that I was prideful, thinking that I could direct my life and my spouse's. I asked the Lord to take control of my life, all of it. By prayer and meditation, little by little the Lord has revealed to me what I need to be doing--not all of it, though. I trust Him each day as I pray to show me the way to go through that day. He led me to reading my neice's blog and from her blog to other Christian women's blogs. He led me to Billy Graham's website and to Annie's Armor of God and to The Purpose Driven Life online. I decided that I must read the Bible every day and it has paid off as the Lord leads me meaningful verses that affect my life. There are daily miracles of revelations, pure joy and serenity.
I'm doing the leg work and the Lord has given me His strength to find self-discipline. I check the paper for jobs, sending out resumes, trusting the Lord will direct me to the perfect job. We are selling our house in the middle of nowhere and moving closer to the big city. In preparation for the sale and move, I have been going through possessions and realizing how much importance I have placed on having things. I have been a packrat and have spent way too much money on collecting things, buying too many things and loading up the house and MY LIFE with things. Part of the stress in my life has to do with things. Getting things, having things, dusting things, finding places to put things and getting rid of old things. The word from the Lord for me today is "simplify". I am going to learn how to sell things (my collections) on E-Bay. I will begin to divest myself of so many "things".
I am excited, Lord, to simplify my life. I pray for your guidance in doing this. And Lord, continue to make this weak and lazy person that I am, into someone supported by Your strength, experience discipline and resolve.