What's normal, anyway? Are things back to normal because my hubby is speaking to me? Or that he's no longer looking at me with those angry eyes? I have been praying for forgivness and treating him like he is the dearest thing in this world to me..... which he is. I thank the Lord for the counsel of good Christian women so that I could see where I was wrong and apologize to my spouse in sincerity.
It has been pointed out to me that I had a basic misconception concerning my marriage. I thought I could say anything.....and what that led to was saying just about anything that pops into my mind, with utter disregard for my spouse's feelings. I love him, so I thought that love trumped all my misspoken words. I became lazy in my long marriage and didn't put the effort to it that I was putting into friendships. I forgot that marriage is my closest friendship. Instead, I argued for the sake of argument, I insulted to get my way, I didn't pay attention to things he said to me as unimportant because I thought that was how he was treating me. I tried to get the first strike in. It became a contentious relationship. Let's see who can get the first dig in! Tit for tat. You ignore me I ignore you. The thing is, I am better at that game than he is. I'm not bragging--that's nothing to brag about. I am ashamed of it. I say things that I regret the minute they come out of my mouth, when I am trying to make my point and win the argument. But win what? The prize for being the best debater? The prize for doing that will be the death of love. I don't want that. He is a caring man who loves me, but I can push him away and hurt him with my words. My prayer today is that I can pause before speaking and think about what I am about to say. Will it be kind and loving or will it be cruel and hurtful?
Lord Jesus, I praise you for revealing these insights to me. Help me today and all days to be the person you meant me to be. Let me think before speaking. Let me think of you and listen to the Holy Spirit in that still, small voice before I speak. Help me to show my love through you.